It’s been ages sense I’ve done a full ritual. I don’t have an altar set up, or even pulled out my altar box and played. I’ve let the Holy Days pass by with no outer celebration and with just an internal nod of recognition. I’m don’t use my tarot cards on important personal issues because they are too accurate and I’m not sure I want to hear their truth. I don’t do astrology and I just read my horoscope for laughs.
My homemade runes are not finished and I’ve been working on them for three years now. My house isn’t covered in witchy poo nick knacks and stuff. Even with the remodeling it still wouldn’t be covered in that; yep I’ll say it…crap. I haven’t bought incense in ages and I haven’t burned what I have left. I haven’t visited a Pagan friendly shop in months and I haven’t been networking in the local community in ages either. Worst of all, I don’t look the part. I dress like I always have, with blue jeans and t-shirts, typical department store clothing.
I’ve got a major black thumb in the gardening department. I’m minor in being famous for killing cacti. My attempts to keep an herb garden was a dismal failure. Keeping a kitchen garden met with the same fate. I study herbalism in my spare time. My view of herbalism isn’t of magic but of medicinal value. I really hate some of the most recommended herbal books for beginners. I find such books dangerously out of date and extremely dangerous for beginners.
I find it hard to set aside time to do spiritual activities. I really enjoy Yoga but I don’t practice. It’s the same with meditation, religious studies, and personal rituals and devotions. I am unorganized both on the outer as well as on the inner. I do see the factors that contribute to my disorganized use of time. I’ve never been real comfortable with Wiccan style rituals and yet I feel a regret that I haven’t done them. I don’t cast ritualistic spells, do esbats or sabbats.
With my style of religious practice I feel guilt that I don’t fit in any particular category. This is a familiar guilt. It is the guilt of being independent, of being a non conformist; in essence of being myself. It was this same guilt that led me away from Christianity because at the core I didn’t fit. I don’t fit in Wicca and I don’t fit with other well know Pagan traditions. I know of no others who have the same Patron Gods as I.
I am self-conscious about my religion even in my home. I am not married to a fellow Pagan and I feel restricted in my ability to express my religious joys and ecstasies. I have no support from friends or family in this area of my life. I find this is the hardest challenge to deal with. I don’t like feeling like a fool and at home it is so easy to feel that way with just a look from your spouse. I’ve learned that I can’t discuss these matters with them. My family is not interested in my views or experiences and that stifles my own inclinations. I have even been requested to not teach my daughter my beliefs. That hurt but it really said more about that persons view of religion.
I am still a Pagan, more in my heart than on the outer skin. But which really matters when it concerns the Gods? In Becoming more like the Great Mother, I’ve done more prayer, more visualizations and pleading with the Gods for my family. I’ve had great mystical experiences in which I’ve met my personal guardians under some harrowing circumstances. I’ve taken control of my body and I understand that this life has greater mysteries than even all the Pagan books could ever hint. It is within the greater mystery of Motherhood that has made this possible for me.
No longer the Maiden, and now the Mother, I feel so blessed by the Great Mother that she choose to allow me this, the greatest of honors. I will continue to strive with my practice. I have plenty to work on and learn. I know that the Gods are with me in this. I have felt their presence and their joys. May The Great Mother and The Great Father and all the Gods bless and protect my family. May Gaia bless us, her daughters.