Level 13

I hit a stress level of 13 today. I hurt all over. My head hurts. I still have the sads even if it was a fairly productive day. I smoked one cig I bummed off my sister.

I had to lay down mid-day just so I could calm down. I’ve been alternating between breathing and trying to talk myself off the ledge. I’m under pressure and totally stressed. I’m having trouble focusing and keeping on track. Takes way to long to figure out what’s next in this pattern.

It’s embarrassing to say but thumb sucking is helping me calm down. And no I was never a thumb sucker as a child. It was introduced to me as a calming tool. It works. I’m using it.

My emotions are all over the place. Nothing steady. Oh, I forgot to mention – I’m packing up the house as we are moving out of state. I’ve got about a week left to be packed out. And it’s only me working on all this. I don’t feel I’m handling this well. And it’s not like anyone can handhold me during this either but damn if I don’t want that.

I read something earlier day about, um ..staying the course, doing what needs to be done for in the present moment and just wait for the Universe to do it’s thing. I keep drifting back to it. It’s a calming thought too.

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Summer Solstice

Woke up hearing this in my mind.

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I just can’t

I crashed. I don’t have the strength to explain. I think I’m taking a permanent vacation from G+ and Facebook. Just deleted everything. Lost a lot of poems – unrecoverable. Gone. Like me. Just gone.

 

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Today of all days

OMG This country has gone fucking nuts. Hurry up people and make pot legal and get this country stones off its ass so it can only think about where to get the next round of munchies.

Too many people want to fight. Too many think they are right. Too many people willing to risk Other’s lives. Too many people want to die. All you fuckers are crazy beyond belief. This isn’t the land of brave or the free. Welcome to the US, where our souls are sold for dollars and our hurts manipulated for those cyberlife hours. It’s all a scam, the news isn’t real. Everything is upside down – right is wrong and wrong is right and no body knows why or how it flipped one day. I can hear the drums of war playing on the television and piped in on the net. And all you dumbass are falling for it. Puppets, puppets, thinking you are doing righteous acts – saving your people – your cause – your life not even realizing you’re the cause – you’re the cause it’s all dying. “Stand up!” they scream calling you to the ranks of protest – puppet fodder – cannon fodder – you don’t even know who’s calling the orders – your mind’s been clouded too long with emotions, addicted to feeling good, feeling oh so heavenly – on the cause of heaven and right – and so damn blind. You can’t see what your doing – your damn nose is stuck up the tree and you can’t see the forest burning. Everything good that should be stood for – all thrown away – deemed an inconvenience to the progress of the cause. If you’re so willing to throw away honesty, throw away humility, throw away compassion, throw away justice, throw away progress just because your cause is willing to sacrifice that as a loss to the greater good – now that’s the upside down thinking right there. Throw the world topsy turvy – confuse the population – start riots and fighting – destabilize the rule of law – increase the disrespect for society and their fellow man – demonize anyone who disagrees – you got the perfect recipe –
to .. really? And you want me to spell it out for you too?
Wake the Fuck Up Already!

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Snuggle Moments

Early morning my lil one snuck into bed with me, looked at me nose to nose with her hand on my cheek…

Daughter – Momma, I don’t want to look in your eyes.
 I’ll drown in them because they are so beautiful. 

I blinked a few times..

Me – Thank you. 

Daughter- You’re welcome. 

I’m left stunned wondering where those words come from. She’s only eight and wants to be a writer. These are my snuggle moments.

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One more step

Who knew that listening to my heart breaking would be what I needed to strengthen my resolve? I’ve listened to a recording I made immediately after things slid sideways twice now. It’s been I think a month now. Time is a bit tricky thing for me. I rarely remember well in time scales.

I’ve also been taking OTC potassium and B12. Potassium I need as my blood pressure meds are stripping me of it and I’m getting daily cramps without it. And B12, taking just one did a huge number on my mood. All the cotton balls and cobwebs in my head vanished. Yes, I know it all points to having a major thyroid disorder.

I’m still doing hardcore distractions. I started giving Isa space again but I’m sick of the tears and I’m tired of waiting for her to be sick of the heartbreak. The irony to all this is, it was her that had the last phone call, the one who said she couldn’t do this anymore, the once who had the final call in the end. She thought it was me causing all the problems.

It’s not that she doesn’t love him, it’s that she loves herself too. Enough to say this isn’t good or healthy for us. Before now I hadn’t given her the chance to grow and learn. I hadn’t given her trust. How do I translate this? I’ve learned to trust my heart.

So much has changed for me. I don’t want to assume anything is still the same. It kinda needs to be double checked. A couple things keep drifting about my mind. That D/s relationships are unique in that they affirm certain conditions. Like a commitment in intimacy not normally found in relationships, a commitment to accept the influence of a partner,  adherence to a hierarchical order, and valuation of set defined values.

There is a whole lot more thought going on in D/s relationships. These past experiences have shown me a weakness of mine. I crave intimacy as if I was drowning. I lost the one person who I believed I could be myself with, tell them anything and not be judged for it. And I held on to that belief with everything I could all the while denying reality was showing the opposite. Gods, honest has a heavy price.

I’m moving forward at a slow pace. Sifting out the fantasy and reasonable, the dreams and reality. I’ve learned about myself if I take to time to examine it. I’m taking the time to repair each hole in me, not just a rush patch job but a well detailed repair work.  He was a giant highlighter that marked all my holes. hehe Oh, the damn puns.

On that note, have a glorious week everyone.

 

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Coward

I’ve got this burning need to write a scathing poem about a special someone being a coward and I know I’d have to lump myself into that as well. I just slump down looking at the paper feeling at a loss as what to say when I’m really very angry at me.

How do I admit that I know my parts are all parts of me? Which means I’m hurting pretty bad emotionally. That I’m in love to the point where the level of sappiness makes my own ears bled? That I’m so lost in discerning reality from fantasy at times because what I want ends up coloring things. That my paranoia has hit the worst I’ve ever been in, well ever. I know that’s the reason I see threats in simple phrases, that under ever rock is a snake – mean that metaphorically. I’m on an internal high alert because the stakes are higher than it’s ever been.

So many good people and I end up wanting to take a pinch off here and there and combine my own person out of them and call him, well, mine, of course. And the sad part is it wouldn’t be fair but to see him as he truly is and not as I wish to see him.

I want the soul searing love and passion that can fry out the brain. I want to touch and to feel and taste every part of him and still want more. I’m at my core extremely greedy. And I know I’ll never ask. To live a life of want but never have – god it’s so weird to be able to answer what one wants. To go up to the order window and place an order without all the restrictions that swim around inside me, to speak out-loud what one wants – gods, how many take that simple process for granted?

How many times have I said I love you and the only response is ‘good girl’?
And oh I get it, dare I demand anything and I get nothing. Of course. Lack of respect..etc.

sigh I don’t want to get wound up. I’m bleeding on the pavement of life here. I need stitches. This is gonna scar deep. I’m a coward is so many ways. Would of, could of and should of all count the loss. Yet the biggest one is, what do I do now?

What do I want out of my submission? What do I want out of life?
What is worth fighting everything for?
What do I believe in?

What can I grab that has the strength to pull me forward?
Love? I don’t think so. It hurts too damn much.
Anger? That just might do it. Pissed off Alpha bitch who wants to chew on your ass for a bit..before she makes you piss your pants in front of her.

I can hear you laughing. It’s okay. It make me chuckle too. It’s a bit weird for me too. Because that is what the world sees for the most part, that Alpha bitch. The softer part, I wore on the outside for such a long time because everyone loved her more, everyone wanted her around, wanted the soft and compliant little thing. And here I am, snatching her away, putting her in her proper place. I feel like an ass for doing it, like one of those ugly angler fishes that dangle the shiny light before swallowing it’s prey.  Except there is no prey and it’s my own pride I’m swallowing down.

I’m the coward. All these parts are me and have always been. They are me. And I’m pretty sure my arguments with myself are far more entertaining that would be otherwise and I may have a different access to my subconscious but it’s a lot in there to work out. But the most interesting thing about this all is I get the choice – yup I get the choice from here on out on who I am going to be.

I have the power. I’ve had that power all along.

You want to know something really weird?
I’m not allergic to trees but boy oh boy Isa sure is!

 

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