Why Can’t I be Happy?

I’d like to introduce to you JP Sears, “a an emotional healing coach, international teacher, world traveler, and curious student of life.” I have found his videos to be hilarious and insightful and best taken with a good bag of salt. No matter if he’s serious or humorous he feeds me food for thought.

Do check out his YouTube channel AwakenWithJP or his website Awaken With JP.

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The Oddity of Dreams

Last week I had a dream I still don’t know how to interpret. My dreams are often prophetic or informative. This felt different in a way I had not experienced.

When my father died over a year ago, I spent the next six months having nightmares. Each one reliving the days after my mother died. Each one reliving the abuse at his hands. Each one in perfect detail and recollection. And they hurt. Yet the dreams stopped as abruptly as they started and I breathed a sigh in relief.

Been almost over a year and then I had a dream about my father.  In my dream, I returned to the family home and saw on the door a child’s drawing and pictures taped to the side of the house. The fury and rage that coursed through me should have sizzled me awake or at least into awareness that this was a dream. I opened the front door to see my father alive, healthy and in good spirits. He was surrounded by other people, unknown people as kids ran around, in and out of the house. Even the home was different- bigger, more alive, farm like. There were even goats there in the back yard.

This wasn’t the same man. It was as if I was given a glimpse in the multiverse and saw a version of my father that had made all the right choices and was rewarded for them. Family, love, life, grandchildren, laughter all surrounded him. And I, I was a stranger.

In this dream, I didn’t exist. I nor my sisters were born to him. And I went out to pet the goats, bemused. I was drained of anger. That man was not the one I was angry at. Yet I live and am alive due to his wrong choices.  We don’t get to choose the why of things in life. We do get to choose what to do with the choices we have.

And the goats. Never forget about the goats. I used to dream of taking care of goats once upon a time. They are so cute! And my father had the stock phrase of someone “getting his goat.” I guess in that universe he kept all his goats after all.

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Facing the week with gratitude. 

It was just a few Fridays ago I wondered what would happen if I faced the week with gratitude instead. Sounds like a good idea so here we are.  I don’t know what a majority of gratitude habits are but I’ll share mine.

I like to journal. When I do keep up with it –I’m really bad at doing so – I tend to record three things I’m grateful for that day.  So that’s what I’m going to do, share a little of my morning journal with you.

Today I’ve been thinking about all the people in my life. I have some very dear friends and moments like this I know I don’t show them my appreciation as much as I should. I don’t have many I call as friends but those that are, I know I can count on no matter what. To them I wish to say, thank you for being my friend.

I’ve also been especially grateful towards my husband. He’s stayed upbeat and chipper though this whole moving process and still manages to look out for me and make me smile. He makes me feel spoiled, in a good way.

I’m grateful that I’m happy. I’m not depressed. I’m not even feeling anxiety right now. I feel like I got my head on proper for the moment. I don’t know if it’s due to dietary changes I’ve made or what. Still having sleep issues but they will work out. I can smile and feel it. It’s such a wonderful feeling of feeling a smile inside as well as out and knowing it’s not faked at all. I’m grateful for these precious days.

I do tend to repeat things like these due to events around me. I’ve noticed that the happier I am, the more I notice people’s actions in my life. Which leads to an abundance of smiles, laughter, and love.

May you all find your abundance of smiles, laughter, and love.

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Deepish Thoughts

I just need to talk today.  So I’m going to talk.

I’m having a hard time squaring a few things about me, my sexuality, my kink.  I’m finding that my view of slavery and of marriage simply does not square at all.  It would have if I had managed to marry a Master. But I didn’t so I have obligations to my husband and children. And none of this squares with how I view M/s relationships at all. Hell, I tried. I figured that online – long distance – telephone only relationships were a bit more of a D/s than M/s and that would be all I could reasonably handle. I’ve failed at that too.

My inner editor is screaming for an explanation of what M/s is to me. Maybe I should say O/p instead or internal enslavement. Maybe I should just name drop – Tanos. I ran across Tanos’ website long after I was married and back then it resonated with me hard. But back then I thought my head was on straight when it’s clear now it’s never been.

This just won’t square no matter how many times I squish it.

And I do not like what I see as choices.  For all that I’ve done hunting for the elusive unseen “other” choice, I have not found it. I can’t split the difference. This is my Kobayashi Maru and I am no Kirk.

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Unexpected Pleasures

Why not bring back Gratitude Fridays? As a writing practice, I’ve found it to be a positive one. Particularly as it induces a cheerful mood for the weekends. Hmm, maybe I should move it to Mondays to induce a cheerful mood for the week? What do you think?

With this move, a lot of my little routines have fallen by the wayside. My journaling, although I have to admit that fell by the wayside quite a bit a go and I’m just now returning to it. Routines are difficult for me to maintain.

Yet today I want to share my appreciation of my husband. Of all the men I know, I am thankful it’s he that’s with me.

Last night we went out to a Thai restaurant for dinner. Both of us had never had Thai but were eager to try it.  Wow.  We ordered potstickers, he got Bangkok street noodles and I got red curry with chicken. We were both blown away with the flavors. The potstickers were a familiar taste but the dipping sauce and the dressing on the side salad were outstanding.

When the entrees arrived and we dug it, both of us were frozen in tasters delight. Every single bite was appreciated. I’ve never had a meal where eating and tasting was so pleasurable. And then there was dessert, ice cream with fried bananas.

My first bite, I was lost. For about 30 seconds I was transported to a world of flavor and sensations and that was all that existed as I orgasmed from a single bite.  That wasn’t plain vanilla ice cream. It was some sort of vanilla-ish coconut ice milk paired with fritter fried bananas drizzled with a lightly sweet sauce. It was exquisite.

I’ve never experienced anything like that in my life. My mouth and tongue pleasured beyond what I thought was possible. And I got to share this with someone just as entranced by it all as I was, which doubled my pleasure.

Companionship on adventures counts for a whole hell of a lot.  And so does finding unexpected pleasures and appreciating every moment of them.

May you find a way to make your taste buds tingle and your palate dance.

Posted in Life

Trains, Planes and me oh my!

Sometimes life is pure comedy. Saturday morn came and found me still awake having been kept up by my sister’s friend. Hindsight says it was fortuitous as my alarms were not set properly. And hindsight says it was also pointless as the day turns out.

Got to the train station, waited for the train and said my tearful goodbyes to my sister. I got on board the quite car and settled in happily. Everything seems to go smoothly as I was writing and musing on my expected long goodbye to the East Coast. Until that is, the train stopped and went backwards. The announcement – trip was canceled. And I was screwed. Just that quick – screwed.

Turns out something happened in Richmond Va during the night and no trains could go past and thus my train was stuck. The mood in the cabin sunk as folks grumbled and got off the train and lit up the switchboard.

I had hoped they would bus me to my next destination. That was dashed repeatedly.  Made the phone calls, did everything I could to stay upbeat. That wasn’t hard, this was a comedy farce. All I could was smile, shake my head, shrug and proclaim to all – This is an adventure!

Proceed the flurry of texts – arrangements for transportation – reviewing every train schedule all the while cracking jokes with the reps working with me. In the end, I called it. I had to take the plane. There was no other reasonable choice left.

So off to another adventure! I had been avoiding taking the plane for well – ever. So, I swallowed down my fear, just like I do every time I ride a roller coaster. I grinned, took a deep breath and blew it out as the plane taxied down the runway and barreled into the sky like a rocket! I grinned. I wanted to scream with laughter!  Even watching from the window as the ground grew smaller, I was giddy. Exhilarating!

Although commercial plane seats suck, I enjoyed the trip. Even got told later I gone through some bad turbulence, it made me chuckle. I have spent way too much time playing FX to think what I experienced was “bad.” I understood where I was on the tarmac and understood every pop and vibration.  I could see in my mind’s eye what the pilot was doing, where his hands were and what all he was doing. And now I’m convinced I need to go for my pilot’s license – just because it’s fun and I really do enjoy it.

Arizona is hot. There is no doubt about it. Yet I am finding I am liking it here more and more. I actually do go outdoors more now and far more willingly too.  The lack of high humidity is a blessing.  It’s taken me a few day to adjust to the altitude. It’s going to take me a lifetime to adjust to what the grocery stores have in stock. My biggest complaint – there is no fatback anywhere.  A great many of my dishes rely on it for seasoning as a little goes a long way.

I am a long way from all I have ever known. Into the Unknown, I go!


Posted in Life


In a little bit, after posting this I’ll be pulling out my router and returning it to the company. In a little bit, I’ll be walking around seeing what else I need not forget. In a little bit, I’ll be undoing all the last threads that keep me here in this place, in this state. In a little bit, I’ll be finished and then waiting for hours to pass.

I have less than 24 before I board the train.  Less than 24 and time is crawling so slow. I’m a bundle of nerves.

I don’t know what the future holds. And I’m okay with it.  I know I’m going to be three days offline and out of touch. I know when I do arrive, I’m going to be balls to the walls on so many things. It’s an adventure!

And it feels weird. This place, this state has been home to generations of ancestors from before the founding of the country, and I’m leaving the ancestral home. I keenly feel the roots here and I’m uprooting myself to head west.

I know all that I’m going to miss – the green that’s so vibrant here and my trees that have comforted me. I’m leaving the safety of the forest and I feel it deeply. I’m an East Coaster by blood. I’m as much a part of this land as it’s a part of me.

Now I am leaving. Who will I be?

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