This drives me nuts. The constant losing time and goals, drive and motivation. I don’t even know where the time went. I have a vague sense of what happened but mostly not. This month, my birthday also combines the most traumatic events in my life as well as the happiest. I keep trying to counterbalance it but I keep failing.
This month, way-way back in the past my mother went into the hospital and my father took the opportunity to do what no father should ever do to his daughter. Well, he wasn’t hiding it anymore and least of all he was hiding it from me. He’s been dead two years now. This year I’ve had nightmares all over again. I do remember that much. Hell, for six months after he died, I had nightmares and then it stopped.
I’ve lost a month. I still feel extremely fuzzy. It’s a struggle to think and it’s dis-hearting to put back all the pieces. I’ve slipped. There is evidence I was slipping three months ago and was barely hanging on. I don’t know if I’m the only one who notices or not. No one really confronts me on this. But then, I’ve spent a lifetime hiding and keeping the mask of ‘normal’ on tight.
Apparently, I hit my limit on what I am capable of doing. Damn it, why can’t I be superwoman? To me, it all looks like a little pile of little things. Be a good wife and mother, run the budget, make sure bills get paid, keep the house clean, feed and kids and keep them entertained, feed everyone an ever-rotating and minimally repeating home-cooked dinner, take the kids to karate, spend five hours pulling out my hair doing the writing assignments which are far harder than they should be for me, make sure I take care of myself, work on and cope with dissociating throughout the day without upsetting anyone, work on my anxiety, identified new OCD issues cropping back up, blocked Dreamwalker for the umpteenth time, take my meds-goddess help me when I forget, still stressing out over talking to Damial-I’m scared and I’m avoiding it, dealing with what feels like the complete wash out of my creativity, working on developing a Minecraft mod pack, learning how to code so I can do the mod pack, the books I’m reading, shit. And trying not to do any of this half-assed. Like I said, it’s a small list and it feels like nothing at all get accomplished.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I just have this, here in cyberspace. I haven’t kept long-term friends beyond my couple but they want more from me than I can give at the moment. I don’t have Damial or Dreamwalker. I don’t burden my husband with this. He has his own concerns to shoulder. I have so much on my shoulders and I know I’m capable of handling it. I know I can! Until it all comes falling down around my ears again.
I was never normal and a normal life I wouldn’t recognize. I have issues and I deal with them the best I can. I get back up when I fall down. I will always get back up, every time I fall. I will pull myself back up and stand tall again. Each time, I do my best. I am working on this. I will keep at it.
I lost a month this time. More than a month really, not even sure when was my last day out. The worst is over? I sure hope so. I need to cry ugly like I’ve never cried in a long time. I feel it. I need catharsis and I don’t see any way of that happening. I’m not out of the woods yet. Between July 11th and August 9th, I have to do the utmost best in self-care.
If I fall, I stand back up. If I must crawl, I crawl. If I must walk, I walk. Whatever I do, I do my best even when my best isn’t good enough. Just have to keep standing back up. I rise. Again and again.